On Perspective...

I read a number of other blogs online, some of which deal with overcoming depression, finding balance in life, becoming more self aware, etc. One of my favorites, NochNoch.com, just turned two. Since my debacle/ordeal started, I've been something of a lurker, but for whatever reason, I decided to comment on her blog and "came out" as being an anxiety-ridden, depressed, underemployed person and she very kindly responded. Another of her readers also responded to me and pointed out that my passage from suicidal to realizing things will eventually be OK "happened relatively quickly" (six months) and honestly, I feel a little taken aback. Today (the 22nd) marks exactly six months since I was fired. I'm nowhere near "recovered" professionally. I'm working part-time at a new job at an hourly wage less than half of what I was making and with no benefits. I'm not making any progress toward finishing the last three classes of my degree and I haven't even worked on my resume or decided what my next career should be. My goal setting and expectations for myself are very very low, and by that I mean, my to-do list has things like, "Get out of bed." "Open the curtains in the bedroom." "Take a shower." "Get dressed in something other than yoga pants and a t-shirt." It's all a matter of perspective, I guess. I am still alive. I've made it through the really dark chapter where my anger and sadness about the whole situation made me want to withdraw and just end my suffering, permanently. In these six months, I've learned a lot about myself, about my incredible husband, friends, and family - even my pets. I've learned a lot about survival and recovery, what it means to be loved, happy, and appreciated. That perspective didn't come easy, but day by day I'm making it. I'm getting stronger, further from the trauma, better at recognizing and dealing with my body's warnings and red flags. It's not where I'd imagined I'd be, but I'm grateful to still be on the path, making the journey, and having some progress to look back on.

My World's on Fire...How 'Bout Yours?

I am a very proud and happy long-term resident of the great state of Colorado. In the last few weeks, we've been experiencing an alarming heat wave (record breaking, hottest ever temps in Denver AND a streak of more than five days over 100 degrees...) when combined with a pretty mild winter and drought, it has led to the worst fire season I have ever experienced. Across our state we have about 15 separate fires, with hundreds of structures (homes) destroyed, thousands of acres charred, and tens of thousands of families, pets, livestock, and wildlife displaced. The news on every local channel tonight was image after image of huge black plumes of smoke and a disturbing creeping blaze... it brought tears to my eyes. The past few days, while I'm out walking my dog, I can smell smoke in the air and looking in almost any direction, I can see the haze of smoke from the blazes around us. I'm not a religious person, but I am keeping those affected by the fires in my thoughts and hoping for a break in the weather, for the winds to stop, and for a heavy rain to come help our region. Also, I'd like to send a BIG shout out and thank you to all our brave firefighters & police and the disaster support of public and private agencies like the Red Cross. The care, concern and compassion I have seen and heard about restore my faith in humanity. From the bottom of my heart, thank you.

Today marks four months.

I realize I'm jumping into the middle of the story here and there aren't many who will know how this fits into the bigger picture (yet), but exactly four months ago I was released from the job/career I held for just over 11 years. My departure wasn't under good terms and the emotional wounds and scars from the whole ordeal still feel fresh and painful. I feel like I'm still wandering in what feels like professional no-man's land. I feel lost, useless, and utterly unequipped to deal with what life throws at me. But, to put a more positive spin on it - I have come through four months and I am still alive. That is an accomplishment.

A Journey of a Thousand Miles begins with One Step.

I have a lot of things to write about, most of which has filled pages of paper journals or been talked about extensively with friends and family. Lately, I feel like these thoughts and ramblings need a home, so I've set up this blog. Stay tuned for more...